on identity

Turning 30 has certainly brought out my reflective side, but I have been unable thus far to channel my myriad thoughts into a single cohesive direction. This is actually attempt number 4...

Tim Parks, in one of his many wonderful essays, wrote that if he had to choose a phrase whose meaning has eroded in Western society, he would opt for "figure of authority". As a teacher I can easily agree with this notion, but recent events have prompted me to reflect "public discourse" might be the best example of a lost phrase. Watching footage of a Congressman being lionized (by, it must be said, a small but vocal frightened minority) for denouncing the president during a speech fills me with great sadness. It's amazing how many people agree that health care needs to be reformed and yet a shockingly ill informed minority might be able to scupper the whole thing, and affect Obama's entire presidency in the process. How can one logically hold discourse with those comparing the president to Hitler, and ignorantly lumping facism, socialism, and communism into one -ism group? I recently read Obama has been criticised by the right for appointing czars. We don't have czars in America! Or perhaps more colloquially, "We ain't got no t-sars in 'Merica. Bless." The first president to appoint a czar was none other than that liberal icon, Ronald Reagan. Facts have no place in an irrational rant.

It fills me with a sense of dread to think that I may, in 18 months time, be returning to an America where a fading majority (old and white) cling to power through deceit and fear mongering. I first went abroad, to Europe, in the spring following 9/11. The outpouring of support and goodwill was palpable toward America at that time. I was proud to be an American. I can no longer say that. I am American, and remain hopeful that my country can once again lead, but my feelings toward my home for the first 22 years of my life have become shockingly ambivalent.

Perhaps another eroding phrase is "national character". As society fragments and more and more niche interests erode the cultural mainstream, perhaps it is inevitable that a word like "American" or "British" loses its past connotations. I would have lamented this 10 years ago, but now I feel that if that is what it takes to be progressive and dynamic, 2 words that certainly applied to the America of 100 years ago, so be it. America has become nothing more than the easiest country for me to call my home, not the country that I dream of returning to.

I have always seen some value in reflecting on the names we give ourselves. I mean names that define us, like "teacher" or "son" or "reader". For me, I think "American" might have been supplanted by "Anglophile" and then "Europhile". This was justifiable when I lived in Europe, and even to a certain extent I could cling to this as nostalgia during my time in New York. But it has been more than a year since I could identify myself at least as living on the European continent. So where does that leave me now, a Europhile socialist American living in Asia for the next 18 months or so? No doubt that sentence would leave me condemned and discarded by certain segments of America, although it must be said welcomed by others who share similar views to my own.

America has been a stepping stone for me and given me access to places and wonderful memories I would not have dreamed of ten years ago. It is a place I have fond memories of and can see myself living in the future. Why does this leave me, an American, with a feelings of moroseness, frustration, and antipathy?...